I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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