Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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