She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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