Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Randomize
