So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
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I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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