i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
