So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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