i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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