he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
