Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
