I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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