So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
