mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Randomize
