I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
