im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
pop tarts are not kleenex
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
