omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Randomize
