Define "chronic" masturbator.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
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