Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
is that a dick in a sweater?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
