Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
