His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
It's just like the Real World with babies
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
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