I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
