First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
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Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
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I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Is it penis luge time yet?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.