WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
