i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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