Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
