I can't breathe out the right side of my face
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
