I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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