Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
