Swine flu is the new snow day.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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