Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
