I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i dont even know how to be here
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
