I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
