piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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