u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I wish my penis had an off switch
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
