I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
