I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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