i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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