I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
