chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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