FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
