when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
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Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
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If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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