last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
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He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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