Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I fill condoms, not promises.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
