hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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