Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
