His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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