Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Randomize
