He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
we're so committed to being not committed
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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