did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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