Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
