Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
