When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
