the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
