I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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