you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
