Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
